I am a.........Photographer???

When does it happen? That magical moment when you know you have become what you always wanted to be? What if you never knew what you wanted to be, but have found yourself headed towards a goal you didn’t even know existed, or that one day it would appear in front of you.

Did you really feel like a Mom when you first held your baby, or did you feel like an imposter put in charge of something very special and unsure if you were up for the job. I did. How about a few weeks later as you deftly changed diapers at midnight, without a single light, or found clean clothes for yourself and the little one without a bit of sleep. How about a few weeks after that, when you realized it had been at least a few weeks since the last time you showered, or maybe it’s when you realize it’s been a few years since you were able to go potty by yourself. When did you officially realized you are a “Mom” now.

Some jobs seem easier to define, while others are a bit harder. When does a Nurse become a Nurse, is it when she passes that all important Test (I know it has a name, but I don’t know what it is, because, well, I’m obviously NOT a nurse)  and gets to officially put that “RN” behind her name, or is it the first time she watches one of her patients die. Or maybe it’s the first time she saves one.

Is a Teacher one, because she has a degree, is it when one of her students pass a test, or not until all of them do? Maybe it’s when she sees a student’s eyes light up in understanding, as she explains something new.

What makes a person a writer, poet, artist, singer or photographer? Talent can give a person an edge, but without training, it can go to waste. Going to school can add skills but does not make a person talented. Talent and school can bring a person to the brink of a career, but without a head for business, even then they may fail. But is a Career the goal? Is Making $$ the measure of “making it.” What about the cliché ideology that “An Artist is never appreciated untill they are dead.” Would you consider Picasso a failure? But didn’t he die penniless? Hemmingway?

When I filled out my google+ profile, it asked for my profession. I typed, deleted and re-typed photographer 4 times. I felt like a fraud, but I left it. What makes ME a photographer??? Is it because I’ve taken around a million photos? Or is because I have a DSLR camera? Maybe it’s because I don’t use “Auto” mode anymore, or possibly because I’ve read my camera manual. Is it because I was born with an “artist’s eye” and I’m a bit analytical.  Is it because I’ve taken photographs of sunsets, sunrises, flowers, families, weddings, baby bumps, childbirth, newborns, toddles, teenagers, engaged couples and puppies? Or was it when I received my first twenty dollars afterwards?

I don’t think it’s any of those things. I think it’s when you fall in love. Remember when you first fell in love with your man, and everything you talked about came back around to him, no matter how hard your friends tried to talk about something else. That’s it. It’s when you have a few moments alone, and find yourself wondering what the light must look like outside, or you open another book on photography. It’s when you drive somewhere and you catch yourself saying out loud; “Look at that light” even though you are alone. And when you’re with someone, the conversation keeps turning in that direction. It’s when you ponder white balance and ISO during church, or forget to pray because you are trying to catch the moment when everyone else is. Or like this morning, at 2:54 am, I woke up and couldn’t sleep, so I went outside and took 64 photographs in the dark, and then wrote this blog..

It’s when you know that no matter what happens, bad experiences or big mistakes, and that if you never make a dime, that you will never stop. That’s how you know.

At least that’s what I keep telling myself.

Ghost Luna.